Seeking Reward System Ideas to Improve Home Environment for My Kids – Looking for Kind Advice

All I’ll say is rewards don’t have to be high value. Something they appreciate.
Have they had any support from professionals regarding their loss ? Loss to suicide is totally different to any other loss. (I’ve been there and still there ) x
 
I used to be very reactive and do reward or remove but it just led to chaos. I did some personal coaching and learned a lot about communication and kids. There’s some great book suggestions here already. If you can find a way to manage your own state when they are acting up it will help. I’m sorry you are in such a difficult situation dealing with trauma and no real help.
 
Have they always been like this? Or did it happen after the passing of their dad? Or if they did it before, has it got worse? My two 11 boy and girl 14 fight like cat and dog, but love each other to bits. You need to get to the bottom of what they are that bad towards each other. The website young minds is brilliant, have a on the site and is it may give you some answers. They also have a parents helpline that can be called Monday to Friday office hours. I hope it resolves itself x
 
I am so sorry for your loss I cannot imagine what your world is like at the moment. I would reach out to your gp for support for you, also charities will help you and your children. Completely different scenario but my teenage son was diagnosed with cancer last year and we’ve got through it with a lot of support for our daughters through family and charities xx
 
Just wondering if the grief is still a big part of the children lashing out at each other? Do you all need some time to talk through your feelings/thoughts with a professional? Together and separately? Could be a big factor x
Sorry for your loss x ❤️
 
Sending you a lot of love ❤️ are you a member of Young and Widowed With Children ? I've found it a supportive group, largely free from religion and judgement. My daughter is nearly 12 and never got to meet her dad, so it's different, but I can 100% relate to the utter relentlessness of solo parenting while you're grieving. The only advice I'll offer is get a break whenever you can. If you're good at asking for help, ask if you're not good at asking for it, make sure you accept it when it's offered. Big hugs, you're doing a great job 💕
 
I’m sorry for your loss and the difficulties you’re having. Behaviour here sucks too.
We use the pasta jar too for 2 kids similar ages. Small jar. Takes about 40 pasta pieces to fill it. Anything positive gets them a pasta in the jar. Being kind. Pasta. Being helpful. Pasta. Anything you want to work on and improve basically. Brushing teeth. Pasta. Tidying. pasta. Etc. you’d still be surprised how long they take to fill though 😂. Reward is usually a trip to a trampoline or inflatable park, something they don’t have any other time. Only when the jars are full.
 
I'm so sorry for your loss. My boys are 10 & 7. They are not struggling with grief but they argue ALL the time 🙄😬so i feel you. Sounds like you are an amazing mumma, you must be grieving too and I can't imagine how hard it has been for you 🥰
 
Oh bless you!! I know exactly how you feel .. I lost my hubby 3 years ago as well. Your daughter is at the hormonal stage so her moods are going to be up and down regardless, plus losing her dad is going to be a huge part of her behaviour. Maybe for her have a mum and daughter day once a week so she can spend time with just you. Maybe face masks, a film, takeaway and then once you are both relaxed you can talk about what’s making you and her sad.. with your boy, maybe do the same, have some alone time doing something that he likes. And then talk about what is making you sad and what is making him sad. I know from experience that losing a parent is a huge change for a child and they don’t internalise it the same way as we do as adults, plus there is the shift in dynamics of the household! I know that at first I was like you and so reactive but I learned that it only caused more reaction with my children, it would make their behaviour worse. Just try to stay calm and steady and it neutralises a situation. It’s probably a silly question but have you talked to their schools about counselling and other services that they may be able to offer?? Stay strong hun.. ❤️
 
Try Therapeutic Parenting group - loads of strategies and tools for both your children and you. Twinkl website is a good one for rewards, I'd just caveat that make sure the rules or whatever you want them to do is achievable for them so you dont set them up to fail and fill them with guilt and shame etc for what they cant achieve. Dont rule out a cahms referral to help unpick their issues. Good luck!
 
What about some affirmation cards that you all pick from each day or even some that are designed to give to others that you all pick from to give one another each day (or just a couple of times a week).
A hope board is a really positive activity to all do together too and something you can put up on the wall, you could do one each and maybe do a family one together.
I found having a puzzle in our kitchen table a massive help when we were shielding and everyone was getting overwhelmed, sometimes one of us would just sit and do a few pieces as we passed it or wanted some quiet calm time and other times it would be me n one f my kids and sometimes all of us doing a few pieces together it created a calming talking place that happened naturally whilst working on it even if it was just random stuff we were chatting about and not anything specific.
 
I am so sorry. That must be extremely difficult for you.
My 11 year old daughter can be very argumentative/reactive/impulsive and she has had no trauma. It is assumed she has ADHD however. It is my understanding that children who have experienced trauma can show behaviours similar to ADHD and it is terrible that you and your children have not been offered some form of counselling or continued support.
My daughter is autistic in addition to ADHD and I find a simple reward chart still works for her. I pick a behaviour I need to change. Give rewards that are appealing to her and she earns rewards quickly to ensure that she is hooked, I then space the rewards out a bit. She soon gets bored of the reward chart and doesn’t even expect stickers after a while but the behaviour changes (which was the intended purpose anyway).
It should work with both children but will need different incentives.
With your daughter being 11, she might be having a hard time with hormones/ plus Year 6 or High School so might be her way of saying she is just struggling.
I hope you manage to bring peace to your household again. Xx
Just to add: I am not sure how much family support you have but a bit of 1 on 1 time with each child might help the situation. Children often open up and talk when distracted with an activity with an adult such as colouring, playing Lego or painting.
 
The fact your actually admitting your reactive 🙌🏼 your winning!! F*ck the other comments. Being a parent is hard and I’m very much the same as you! My daughter is really trying my patience and Iv noticed how reactive I am aswell! I hope you find something to work! 🤞🏼
 
No advice sorry, mine are similar ages and the fighting is something else. I’m out a lot as I find them easier to cope with out. Just wanted to send solidarity and a pat on the back. Your a great mum trying to make your home as happy as you can. And it must be hard to stay strong for them sometimes xx
 
It sounds like you are all still going through an awful lot of grief. You should be immensely proud of how far you have come. Life is difficult enough with everything and having to go through what you have on top of everyday life must be some days overwhelming.
The only advice I can give, is praise the good moments. Reward the good, no matter how small, whether it means them helping tidy, wash up, etc.
they’ll probably always find things to argue about, even the smallest things, but you’ll be amazed at the smallest things that they can actually all bond over. Family movie nights, park walks, even let them plan a night each week, their choice with a theme,
Just know your doing an amazing job raising them x
 
Having read what you and they have been through I would aim for something you can work at together. So maybe a big jar and marbles. Everytime someone does something positive, a marble goes in, if it’s something nice for someone else, 2 marbles (not just for sibling - for you, or a friend, but you’ve got to witness or be told about it) They can also give you marbles if they witness you being kind.
If they are ‘naughty,’ you can do whatever consequence you like (lose tech/early bed etc)- but not take any marbles out.
Once the jar is full you get a family treat day (could be pizza, sleepover downstairs and a midnight feast, play date, cinema trip etc) faster they fill the jar, faster they get the treat, nicer they are, faster they fill the jar.xx
 
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