Seeking Reward System Ideas to Improve Home Environment for My Kids – Looking for Kind Advice

I’m so sorry for your loss and what you’re going through.
Please remember that good is subjective, so reward not fighting with each other but encourage them to talk about their issues and lay out boundaries rather than just blankly advising not to argue (not saying you do but it’s easy to fall in to with reward schemes).
I’m assuming you’ve requested help from school, local support services, GP and cahms to try and get support in place, it is shockingly hard to find but the squeaky wheel gets the oil so shout louder. Childhood trauma can also present as if an individual is ADHD or on the autistic spectrum, so you can always push for that to try and get the counselling they offer before starting pathways. Just an option but i get it’s not easy or ideal.
As rewards we try and offer non monetary based ones. We don’t have a reward chart because family of ND here and it gets forgotten after the initial dopamine boost, but when we want to praise good days etc, we do it as family time. So hot chocolate, popcorn and movie night all piled in our bed with cuddles. Days out in fresh air playing games together and leaving the phones behind. Family games nights, that kind of thing. I get it doesn’t work for everyone so its what will work best for everyone in your home.
Button or pompom jars have been a winner for some friends of mine, as have your gold old star charts and x amount of stars gets a prize. It totally depends on what you’re comfortable with.
I really hope things get easier for you and you all get the space, time and support you need to heal.
 
Get them out early in the morning, lots of physical challenges, build something like a bird house or challenges like getting water from one container to the other with very little to do it, make them work together. I find alot of niggles in my house when they have nothing else to do. Good luck x
 
Don't underestimate grief. 3 years in December after the sudden loss of my dad and holy mily its the worst year yet. My 11 year old is showing it and acting out in every which way. All my love. ❤️
 
So sorry for everything you are all going through, the only helpful advise I have is that I have the same age gap between my two children and the argue daily, there is nothing worse than waking up to it! You are human and react to but all I can suggest is sitting down and talking to them about how it makes you feel, the expectations and sage space of your home you expect once they have that undertanding maybe use a lucky dip bag if they have had a good week/month they can chose something out the lucky dip this can be something as little a sweets, face mask, a take away voucher, new socks, book, bath bomb, slime, trampoline voucher, movie of your choice voucher, new pjs, hot chocolate making set you get the jist, it’s fun and hopefully will make them want to try harder at behaving to have that insentive on a Saturday evening? Xx
 
The reward system works tbf, but constantly feel like it's a bribe and then the minute a reward is not in place they ignore their behaviour... Mime chose her reward and had to earn 70 points to earn it... She took 3 months but she's really improved some of the things she was working on tbf xx
 
I know this may sound silly but what I found they wanted most was time. Make time every day for family time, talk, play a game, cook dinner together but no distractions (tv, phone etc) reward them with extra time whether it be individually or together. It took time but I found it worked. Have a reward evening eg take away or fake away (treat dinner) and a movie with popcorn & sweets. If they go above and beyond then maybe monetary reward so they can save up for a special outing or something they wish to buy. You could have clear jars with their names on so they can see the progress. As for breakfast, I used to lay it out on a tray for them and they just need to pour the milk or pop the bread in the toaster or maybe get some croissants as they’re easy and tasty. Also want to say so sorry for your loss, I know how super hard it must be for you to have lost him. But you’re doing an amazing job and don’t be too hard on yourself. Grief has no end 💔
 
Maybe a little different than some parenting approach but I know most of us (including myself) are so quick to jump on bad behaviour & I would instantly ban ps4/tablets etc to try & show them that if they were naughty they would lose something.
Instead of doing this & them instantly losing something reward the good behaviour. Easiest thing is a sticker chart. Something like ‘earn 10 stickers & you get a reward’ whether that be going on a game or a new small toy or magazine etc. reward small things like ‘you’ve spoken to your sibling in a really lovely way’ or ‘you helped mummy do a job which is really kind’.
No matter what happens stickers can only be added not taken away so there is no negative.
If I deem a behaviour really bad they sit on the stairs for however many minutes their age is, then reflect on what happened & how it could have been handled differently.
Sorry essay but I hope it helps!
 
I’m so sorry for your loss.
We used to have a pasta pot. Everytime kids did something good a dry pasta would go in the jar. When there were however many we decided was the number the kids then got to choose a treat. Which can be whatever you decide really from a bag of sweets to a cinema trip etc? Worked well for mine. I think the ages have a lot to do with it my eldest found the youngest annoying around the same ages but are fine again now they are older x
 
I feel for you.. I patented a long time before FB and I was very reactive… If I had my time again I’d do so much differently.. take a deep breath… walk away and then come back to the situation…. Then discuss xx
 
I've recently had to go back and make my almost 14 year old son a reward chart because his behaviour is a joke, I point blank refuse to give him anything now until he earns it. He is very much all about money so the things I've put on the chart and how much he would earn from it is pretty silly to me but its insetive if he achieved everything on the chart every day he could earn £69.50 A WEEK. The most he's made so far (started it 3 weeks ago) is £11 in one week. He does check it often though so it obviously sparks interest to him he just can't help but be a little sod!
 
@klaashoorn I'm very tempted with ours tbf don't get me wrong they can be loving and caring but charlees mouth is a joke atm and leonies aswell tbf 🙄 the one that gets me riled is when they such ur mum Honestly I could 👊 them in the gob 🤣🤣 xx wheres our little ones gone 😭😭 xx
 
@davey1867 They grew up far to quickly, not going to lie I'm not a fan of teenagers!!! Lol. He isn't doing great with it but it is definitely a chart that interests him when he feels like it so hopefully over time he'll start taking it abit more seriously xx
 
@klaashoorn nor me 🤣🤣 I never had this much trouble with Tyler 🤣🤣 im not a fan of the girly bitching it drives me mental 🤦‍♀️ xx
Atleast its starting to work which is a bonus I cant believe how much he has changed bless him he looks so grown up ❤️ xx we've moved house now so don't really get to see anyone only on fb xx
 
@lisas0703 Lol trust me I can not afford to just give that sort of money away, I know him well enough to know it won't be achieved sadly and if he did achieve it to be honest I'd be over the moon lol. The chart is aimed at no swearing, no back chat, take no for an answer, be home at curfew, all that sort of stuff
 
@devin7866 Yes like today I removed £3 from what he had earned due to him messing with something he shouldn't and losing it so I've got to replace it. It seems harsh but with how he is it's a regular thing disrespecting us and the home so he needs to learn.
It's just a chart I print off and wrote in my own things and he gets any money he's earned on a Sunday x
 
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