Seeking Reward System Ideas to Improve Home Environment for My Kids – Looking for Kind Advice

3 years is the blink of an eye when we've lost someone we love. Multiplied ✖️ 1,000's when you are a child. I have one at home with trauma history and possible additional needs. I struggle. I don't have words of wisdom I'm still trying to find the right reward system. I did want to remind you what an awesome mother you already are and to remember to take care of yourself too in whatever way you can. Much love to all of you ❤️
 
There’s a support group called WAY widowed and young, it might help you all, I have friends who have cherished their support x
Hope you find the help you need, sending all the positive vibes your way x
 
The key is to get that clear communiction and set boundaries you all agree on. My mini course includes charts that they create themselves giving a sense of autonomy and supporting self regulation for emotions and that mutual respect between everyone.
Please feel free to follow my work , I have lots of hints and tips for the wellbeing of the whole family.
What you’re describing is really common in family households, so go easy on yourself , there are ways to get that harmony back.
Don’t hesitate to get in touch
Vik ❤️
 
I remember reading or seeing somewhere that they fight to get your attention and when you scolded one and not the other it’s one upmanship ignore it. I did it a couple of times he hit me blah blah so I just said leave me out of it. They still fight but not for my attention xx
 
We have good boy / girl jar (pint glasses) that they fill with good boy / girl tokens (cotton wool balls) they earn them for being helpful round the house or for being nice to each other (kind and helpful) when they get a full jar (12 tokens) they get a pound.
We go to butlins annually so they save for that or for a toy etc. Some days it's great. Other days they dont care x
 
I recommend you checking out these books. Punished by Rewards by Alfie Kohn and The Explosive Child by Dr. Ross Greene. Rewards and punishments are short term solutions that can have lifetime negative consequences. Dr. Ross Greene has a lot of videos if you would rather watch. @lorene
 
My children are a little younger, though I highly suggest reading the book 'the explosive child' by Ross.W.Greene. I found some really valuable assistance with power struggles/ children arguing and misbehaving etc
 
Over the summer holidays we started a pompom jar (pompoms cheap and soft, smaller sizes and an old multivitamin jar so not too big to fill).
They can earn pompoms collaboratively for playing nicely together, if one of them does something amazing they can get a pompom and they can also give pompoms to each other for something they've noticed the other has done. Once it's full it's a small treat (couple of quid so fidget toy, mini water pistol etc) or they can request some time out of the house together, park or cafe etc.
Biggest rule is once they earn a pompom it cannot be taken back out of the jar.
I also wonder whether reflection time and journalling may be helpful for you all..5 minutes to breath and reflect once calm. There are some good journals/books around which may help support this.
 
I think the first thing to realise is that siblings fight, all the god damn time and when they get to 11ish they also start developing a teenage attitude so please don’t allow yourself to think this is anything other than part of the process of growing up! Give yourself a break and pick your battles!
Mine are 16 and 11 and argue from the second they wake up until they go to bed! Unless one of them is poorly or injured and then the other can’t do enough for the one who injured! The second they’re better- we’re back to a constant cycle of WW3😅
And they don’t give a single shit about reward charts!😫
 
My two started this behaviour although they are older at 14 and 12. The name calling was the worst. I started taking an item for even name they called each other. 12 year old girl loves her makeup so one item for every name. 14 year old boy loves his nurf guns so I took one every name. It worked.... 7 nurf guns gone and its stopped and I didn't need to take any makeup. Hopefully you find something that works for you. Sending big hugs of strength and patience to you as all us mums need it without all you have going on x
 
Wow mine fight all the time. I have set up a list of things they can do to help and gain small amounts of money on a Rooster card - mine are 13 (twins). I try and head it off - if one is winding the other up I try and divert to - cooking, sewing, take one out shopping, make a smoothie - something they want to do. Sometimes it is play a game - do I have time? nope there are a 100 and one things to do but sometimes I have to just stop! I work with kids who have had significant trauma in their lives and try and get them to choose specific things they find comforting, calming and they have those to help - lights, tents, blankets, scents all sorts. I know what you mean about how the day starts - I could always tell what kind of day I was going to have by the behaviour the twins had in the morning! Sending hugs. X
 
Try the parenting puzzle - county councils usually run the course or you could buy and follow the book. Explains how we hold our children to a higher standard that we expect of ourselves and gives you suggestions for rewards and small changes. One idea is to get a black piece of paper and a page of silver star stickers and make a starry night scene. All 3 of you are responsible for finding good things about each other, saying it our aloud and sticking the star on the paper - when it’s full you do the reward you’ve all agreed on eg popcorn movie night, stay up half hour later, £1 in sweet shop etc…
Or read the book by Sarah ockwell smith’s book ‘between’ WELL DONE MUMMA, you’re doing a great job
 
I don’t have any advice just wanted to say you’re doing amazing even on the days you think you aren’t! Parenting is HARD without the grief added in and anybody that says otherwise isn’t worth your time or energy🌸💖
 
I’m so sorry for yours and your children’s loss. I don’t know how you stay so strong. You must be a tough cookie. Please don’t beat yourself up. You are doing a great job. Single parenting is not for the feint hearted let alone when you’re all dealing with a trauma. I don’t have any particular advice I’m afraid and I don’t know where you are located but if you are anywhere near Mk, my friend runs a charity which I think would be perfect for your children, check out @joedoe xx
 
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