@infinitydesign thank you. I'll give it a go!
Seeking Reward System Ideas to Improve Home Environment for My Kids – Looking for Kind Advice
- Thread starter jm01
- Start date
Just to add something in addition to the rewards systems...this isn't everyone's cup of tea but when my close in age children were younger, I noticed that 90% of the arguments were about the same thing...who got out the bath first, who got to open the front door, who chose where they sat in the car...etc etc. I started a chart where they took it in turns each day to be the person that got to do all that first/last/whatever the desired outcome was. Might help with some of the regular arguments and help bring some peace!
bonngamchan
New member
Not my idea, but what worked wonders for us was diamonds. I got them from Poundland or similar, they are for table decoration, cost me just a few quid (I got loads of clear small ones and a few big pink ones). Both my girls had their own jars. Every time they behaved well they earned a diamond, when they misbehaved they had to give one (or more if they did something terrible) back. Big diamonds were super diamonds and they could earn them when they did something amazing e.g. when we had an amazing parents’ evening (worth 3 small diamonds). Then they could buy fun time for their diamonds, eg a cinema trip, zoo, trampolining etc. I can’t remember now how many they needed for what but approx 10-20 depending how exciting the trip was.
They absolutely loved this and even now being 14 and 18 they keep talking about them and how they want them back!
They absolutely loved this and even now being 14 and 18 they keep talking about them and how they want them back!
I feel you! I've stopped doing it now because it didn't work for my little sausages (8 and 5 and 5 y/o is more than likely adhd/asd so didn't really understand(. I got a hyperjar account and had a separate card for the eldest (youngest is too young at the moment). I had a chart on the fridge to show when they'd done a chore with a total of £5 each a week. So they could see their progress I got some toy money and clear front money boxes of their initials so they could see their money adding up. That might be better for the ages of your babies, I just think mine were too young to get it.
wanderingminstrel
New member
Big hugs to you and the children xxx
blessedbyjesus
New member
I spend an hour with each xx
maykatcooper
New member
@jm01 I jus wanna say, I’m literally in your shoes at the moment. I’m going through the exact same! It’s heartbreaking cos no matter what I’ve done & trying todo it all fails. I’ve tried an some everything . . My kiddos are nealry 11 & 7 g&b. . There dad took his life 3 years ago & it’s never been easy so I get where you coming from,
Mentally just gotta keep going and pushing no matter how frustrating it’s getting . . It’s Bleddy hard thou, I’ve even tried the GoHenry cards to help an pocket money each week etc & my eldest goes out with her mates on the weekend, my boy just saves up towards Lego & Xbox stuff . . I’ve done the whole Silent treatment, Music taking electronics away ect blah you get it.
There’s no easy way of saying it. But keep doing you mumma! We will hit this some day xx
Mentally just gotta keep going and pushing no matter how frustrating it’s getting . . It’s Bleddy hard thou, I’ve even tried the GoHenry cards to help an pocket money each week etc & my eldest goes out with her mates on the weekend, my boy just saves up towards Lego & Xbox stuff . . I’ve done the whole Silent treatment, Music taking electronics away ect blah you get it.
There’s no easy way of saying it. But keep doing you mumma! We will hit this some day xx
@maykatcooper and @jm01 I was that child who’s dad took their own life, I was 7. From my perspective then -
1. I needed those boundaries, I might of resented those boundaries but I reeeeeally needed them.
2. Self destruction and self preservation became coping mechanisms. I was always trying to push my mum away, in my eyes my dad left me, and so my mum was going to eventually.
3. I didn’t want to talk about it, but I did and I needed to. If it’s too painful for you to have those conversations (it certainly was for my mum), perhaps you can write letters to each other, I had so many questions.
4. Support is invaluable - I really wish there were the charities then that there are now.
5. Quality time with my mum, with no distractions was invaluable, I needed double the love more than ever.
I hope this helps, and stay strong. It’s a shitty place to be in, but your all in together and I promise you, you’ll have this incredible bond and love for each other. You are their rock now and they’ll see every single fight you fight for them and they’ll never forget it xx
1. I needed those boundaries, I might of resented those boundaries but I reeeeeally needed them.
2. Self destruction and self preservation became coping mechanisms. I was always trying to push my mum away, in my eyes my dad left me, and so my mum was going to eventually.
3. I didn’t want to talk about it, but I did and I needed to. If it’s too painful for you to have those conversations (it certainly was for my mum), perhaps you can write letters to each other, I had so many questions.
4. Support is invaluable - I really wish there were the charities then that there are now.
5. Quality time with my mum, with no distractions was invaluable, I needed double the love more than ever.
I hope this helps, and stay strong. It’s a shitty place to be in, but your all in together and I promise you, you’ll have this incredible bond and love for each other. You are their rock now and they’ll see every single fight you fight for them and they’ll never forget it xx
colton1222
New member
@maykatcooper really sorry to hear both of your sad news. It sounds as though you need to chat to each other!
My heart goes out to you all. Grief Encounter is a fantastic charity for support.
Other options to build back the connection include:
1. Having ‘special time’ with each of them once a week. Do an activity together that they choose.
2. Have a yes day where you/ they have to say yes to each other’s requests.
3. Distinguish between standards and expectations for their behaviour. Brené Brown describes this in her book, ‘Atlas of the heart.’ Expectations can lead to resentment/ disappointment when unmet. Standards require a minimum, E.g. talk it out to sort it out; no raised voices (pass the salt mill if you have to!).
I hope this helps. I’m a teacher (assistant head) - I’m not sure the reward chart idea is what you all need but that’s just my thought. I think time and connection will help. Family counselling/ therapy might also be useful.
You are all suffering from trauma which means the mind and body are operating in a hyper-vigilant state for prolonged periods. It’s like being in ‘fight’ mode all the time. It’s exhausting and puts stress on the body. Building in calming/ relaxation points in the week would benefit you all (think at home spa experience).
I’m truly sorry for your loss.
Go gently. Sending you love and strength
Other options to build back the connection include:
1. Having ‘special time’ with each of them once a week. Do an activity together that they choose.
2. Have a yes day where you/ they have to say yes to each other’s requests.
3. Distinguish between standards and expectations for their behaviour. Brené Brown describes this in her book, ‘Atlas of the heart.’ Expectations can lead to resentment/ disappointment when unmet. Standards require a minimum, E.g. talk it out to sort it out; no raised voices (pass the salt mill if you have to!).
I hope this helps. I’m a teacher (assistant head) - I’m not sure the reward chart idea is what you all need but that’s just my thought. I think time and connection will help. Family counselling/ therapy might also be useful.
You are all suffering from trauma which means the mind and body are operating in a hyper-vigilant state for prolonged periods. It’s like being in ‘fight’ mode all the time. It’s exhausting and puts stress on the body. Building in calming/ relaxation points in the week would benefit you all (think at home spa experience).
I’m truly sorry for your loss.
Go gently. Sending you love and strength
@tarand agree about fight or flight. Doing cosmic kids yoga or zen den together might help, as well as board games together as someone else suggested. Challenging at first as they’re not used to calmness and getting along, but start small and aim for 5 mins without arguing, then build up. If you want to do reward charts, I used the square maths paper and they could colour in squares they earned. Each square worth eg 10pm and you decide when they can cash them out. I then wrote a sheet of ways to earn different numbers of squares, like emptying dishwasher, reading for 10 mins, could have behavioural ones, etc. some tasks they did together and a common aim really brought them together and they worked together really well, much better than normal. Next for us is gratitude jars. Have them decorate a big jar and then when any of you are grateful for something (however small) write it in a wee piece of paper and pop it in the jar. At some point (monthly, on new year’s day, etc) open it and read them back. Also, read the book Have you filled your bucket today?
better days do come and things will get easier hadenhughes
New member
Start playing games in the evening, it may be hard at first as the kids will probably fight and kick off but it maybe worth a go. It works in our house to bring everyone back to the same page and actually enjoy each others company.
chessjurist
New member
I’m sorry it’s all so tough 
I have no idea about screen time in your house, but removing screens from mine changed the world!
I have no idea about screen time in your house, but removing screens from mine changed the world!Lots of tips from other people here, but just to add that @dannqanes does amazing work to help support bereaved children and their families, so it might bring some comfort to know you’re not alone. I’m very sorry for your loss 
believer000
New member
Sounds like your daughter was trying to intentionally help you out? Maybe just chat to her about the dangers of doing that when you're not there x