Seeking Reward System Ideas to Improve Home Environment for My Kids – Looking for Kind Advice

[loco]

@donna50 I can’t remember why I came to this conclusion recently but I do the same. Mine are 15 and 8 and I only get involved when the 15 yo is taking it too far.

 

[wealthcall]

@donna50 I do this. I put my noise cancelling AirPods in and they stop fighting and beg me to take them out because they know I can’t hear them

 

[donna50]

@wealthcall if you can't hear them then it's not really happening, I like this

 

[shpchvr]

So sorry to hear it’s so hard at the moment, your being a fabulous mum looking for advice In the first place, something that works great especially with little ones is instant reward, I call it lucky dip at work, get some cheap stocking filler bits like lip balms fidget toys a little pack of sweets etc and wrap them up in wrapping paper, pop in box, if they have done amazing work at that time, even if it’s just being kind to one another for an hour, get them to pick a surprise gift and unwrap it as an instant reward xx

 

[vanderhoven7]

As you said behaviour is communication. I would perhaps think of making their rooms so they can re-balance themselves. Arguments usually start because of frustration so if they have the space to just be them then they'll help.
A reward chart can definitely help. It can be a good week and they'll get their favourite meal on a Friday night. It could be a day out or anything really.
As for your loss, I'm so sorry. Grief has no time limit, encouraging your children to talk often may help with some of what's going on inside.
Do they do any sports at all?

 

[pawpawferrell]

I attended a positive parenting course a few years back called the "parenting puzzle" (you maybe able to Google some material) after a breakdown in marriage when I was feeling particularly low and distant as a parent xx
It gave some amazing ideas, positive reinforcement strategies and self care techniques. To list some examples here, this comment will quickly turn into an essay but if you are interested in some of the techniques I used I would happily send some over.
P.s I am so sorry for your loss, i cannot imagine what you have all been through
You are an amazing mum and you should be giving yourself a massive pat on the back.

 

[gradenelson]

You’d think with an 8 year age gap mine would be better but no they still fight like cat and dog it’s awful constant bickering fighting screaming. The eldest is 14 and I get our 6 year old is quite possibly the most annoying person ever to walk the earth and she just can’t hack it. I’ve done reward systems in the past and failed and offered something they both want if they get along instead of fighting and it lasted about an hour if that. Unfortunately I can’t offer advice but just wanted u to know it’s not just you and your doing a great job (a very very hard job at that).

 

[prayerwarriorg220]

Must be hard on you all. Have they had any councilling since your husband passed?? Maybe if they can address how they are feeling and can talk about their behaviour and why its happening and what they can do differently to avoid unwanted behaviour. Must be so hard for you all

 

[juls88]

I have started a kindness chart, all other behaviour and school ect is delt with completely separately. They get stickers for beig kind to one another, they generally get one in the morning if they don't argue and 1 in the afternoon/evening if they don't argue but then I look out for extra kindnesses, letting someone sit in the front of the car when it's their turn, sharing their pens, little things like that, using their manners without being reminded. When they get 20 stickers I give them £5. They've responded really well to it

 

[katyonline]

I am n a similar situation. My husband took his life 4 years ago. I have 4 children ranging in ages from 22 down to 9, all of whom are neurodiverse. They have had to cope with huge upheaval in their lives in recent years and it’s taken until now for things to begin to settle down. For the most part our household is now calm, mainly because I have changed how I behave and handle things. I try to show them patience, kindness and empathy are key when resolving issues. We try to check in with each other over dinner, finding the positives in our day, and acknowledging the challenges. It’s tough, because they can all be very obstinate, but we are working through it. X

 

[merlinius]

I'm sorry to hear about your children losing their dad in this way. I wonder if some calm, quality time together might help things? Life takes over and things are busy, so maybe in exchange for good behaviour a nice breakfast/brunch out might be a good reward and also start that particular day off well and show them the differece that makes to the rest of the day? Or if finances don't allow for that you could create something together to then sit down and enjoy as a family as a way of bonding together over it? I hope you find a way, it can't be easy for any of you. Sending love and best wishes x

 

[owlcityworship]

I was a child who lost their father in the same way many years ago. I would say bad behaviour is attention seeking and perhaps they just need more mummy time. Perhaps a small amount of counselling would help as a family (which I wish my mum had done) or even a trust circle where whoever speaks holds the object and no one interrupts. Buy them a journal get them to write how they feel etc. I felt safest at that part of my life being with my extended family

 

[maymoon]

I’m sorry to hear of your family’s loss. It sounds like you have so much going on and to handle. As you said your children are expressing their feelings and grief through their behaviour. I wonder if therapeutic parenting might be a starting place for you. It can be a go to for any child but particularly children who have experienced trauma and loss https://www.naotp.com/what-is-therapeutic-parenting

 

[xiadus10]

@maymoon , I was just about to recommend the same thing.

 

[jedkid]

I could have written this myself. I just want you to know you are not alone. Sending love and support x

 

[keerkhar]

We do a marble system in our house. Each marble they receive for good listening we award with 25p
They work towards a treat from the shop after school on a Friday. It really works for us.
They love going to the shop and understand that they have worked hard to earn those spends.
We also offer extra marbles if we loose our patience, so if we shout we owe them a marble. Furthermore we can also take marbles from them for any warnings they have not listened too.
It has helped in our house
Oh and if one sibling is unkind to the other we give away one of their marbles to the other
Good luck and hang in there mama, your already being a brilliant mum by asking for help xxx

 

[leah78]

Sending you love @jm01 I’m sure you’re doing a wonderful job. I do jobs lists so they earn their pocket money which makes them feel proactive and keeps them busy. My 12 year old mows the lawn and my 10 year old tidies stuff

 

[thetruththesun]

I set up a stars and black marks system. I sat the kids down and said that the current way of life was awful and needed to change. I didn't want to shout anymore and our home was a battleground and not a happy place to be. It was agreed that if each child carried out basic 'stuff", cleaned their teeth, made their beds, put stuff in the dishwasher, no fighting in the car, shoes on quickly, etc, etc (I had a list on the wall of basic star earners) they would then each get a star on the calendar. Any other help or great bahaviour would be rewarded with a star. So essentially without even trying very hard they could rack up some stars. If there was fighting, name calling, tantrums, anything that was unnaceptable they would get a warning to change their behaviour and if it continued - black mark. Every Sunday we would have an awards ceremony and I *think* (it was a few years ago now!) it was if they each had 10 more stars than black marks they got a reward (it's your system now you work it your way) - match attax, a chocolate bar, pack of popcorn, whatever you want to make it to be. The last Sunday of every month we would have a mega award and if the child or children had managed to get the smaller award across the weeks in the month then they would get a comic or a book or somesuch - so the last Sunday they could get no award, a mini award or a mini and a mega . The system worked Really well with us because of the dynamic I had to work with, one child was essentially a good kid but was wound up by his brother, the other child, aside from being good a lighting the fuse paper to "stuff" he was intensely competitive so together in their own ways were on a mission to succeed! BUT I have passed on my system to other desperate parents over the years and it has worked! Children can visually see at any time on the calendar how they were doing. The main thing is, to make it work, You Have To Stay On It, announce and praise when they are doing well at whatever and have earned a star and again make it clear when a black mark is going up... Good Luck Toughest Job in the world being a parent.

 

[aziz]

My heart goes out to you @jm01, grief can be so complicated, especially after suicide. My sister took her own life three years ago and I have needed a lot of support to work through it all, so I’d encourage you to reach out for care for you too. SOBS are free and v helpful. About your question, I wanted to first acknowledge that there is so much strength in your intention to make your children feel safe, loved and trusted . In our house, we wanted to reinforce kindness and create more appreciation of each other, so we started some ‘kind point jars’. We have a pot of glass pebbles that we can put in jars with each person’s name on. You can put in as many as you like, the only rule is that for each one you put in you need to tell the person why you’re giving them this ‘kind point’. We used them for small things (that are easily overlooked) as well as big ways they helped us/ each other out. It felt nice they’ve got the power to acknowledge us too. For the kids, when they reached a full jar they get a prize. For us it was just lovely to have the appreciation. When they jar gets full you just empty it and start again. (We never take any out or link the jars with punishment, it doesn’t work and would just tinge the whole thing with bad feelings.) It’s been lovely for us, maybe it’ll help you all too Xox

 

[makr]

@aziz this is a lovely idea, what kind of prizes do you do for a full jar if you don’t mind me asking? X