Seeking Reward System Ideas to Improve Home Environment for My Kids – Looking for Kind Advice

I used a sticker reward for a week at a time and if stickers were collected every day then she could choose a lucky dip present and this was for 7 year old
 
Give Barnardos a ring they are really good with grieving children I my self have used them for my daughter (i lost her brother at 5days old), my only advise I can give is when they're being reactive like that is make them go to their room (not because they naughty) and show them it's OK to have a meltdown but in a safe place let them have 10mins to come back to earth n then deal with them once majority of the storm has passed, when we argue this is what we do I also take my self to the bedroom only for 10mins so I can ooosaaaa lol n then we hug and move on with the day put it behind us, we can all get a bit too over stimulated/ overwhelmed and children don't know what emotions they're experiencing. Also mother to mother it's OK to breakdown in tears infront of your children it shows them how to grieve too it reassures them that crying is OK when someone dies especially with it been a sudden death and their father, itl be a lot for them but we like to hide it from them so they don't see us hurt and that's OK too but from time to time show them it's OK to show ur emotions at home, hope you all get the help and support you need after this tragedy sending hugs ❤️ xxx
 
Im so sorry for your loss it must be extremely difficult for you all xxx There is a couse i have just completed its totally different to any other parenting course and it was amazing! Its called circle of security if they provide it in your area i would definitely look into doing it! Its made me look at how i am and react to situations, what my personal struggles are and what triggers me. It helps you emotionally regulate yourself and support your children to do the same by connecting and making them feel safe and loved xx
 
You need to try and be strong and show authority. I understand that this may have stopped or slipped but only you can bring it back. Have you tried grief councilling for all of you. Try the doctors to see if they can help. I can't imagine how you feel but a happy mum happy kids. You sound like a very strong woman who has just lost her way slightly. Concentrate on your self and build you up and this will help you deal with the kids . Xxx
 
Welcome to my world, I can only sympathise with you 😫 although I don't react anymore and have the patience of a saint 🤣 so that helps my sanity lol x
 
Let them choose a prize. Explain that different rewards have different values and the value of the prize they have chosen is worth however many stickers you choose. Make sure you choose a big enough number that you can literally give lots of stickers each day for every positive thing they say and do. Said please-sticker
smiled at sibling-sticker
did a job-sticker
did a job without complaining-5 stickers
did a job without being asked-10 stickers
(just examples) have a notebook or something each for sticking all the stickers.
The stickers provide the short term celebrations of every little positive whilst the prize gives them something they can aim for. Also helps them understand how to earn things over time.
My kids are teenagers now and we have just switched to seneca based reward system for extra study and depending what prizes they've asked for depends how many extra hours study they have to do to get the reward. They also get a bonus pocket money of 10p per 1000 xp points they get in the seneca courses. It has to be courses that I've set up for them though just to make sure what they are doing is relevant to their GCSE subjects. My kids respond well to a mixture of tiny short term rewards as well as slower but bigger reward like a new gadget to go with their game costs £26 but they have to hit 20hrs of seneca to get it.
 
We use pocket money to have them think about their actions. £5 a week each is the starting point, they can earn more (up to £10) by making good choices, but they can lose money by making bad choices! It works well for us 😊
 
My current read as I have very reactive children and they don't have grief to deal with, so sorry for your loss, you need to give yourself some credit for going through what you have and are still going through.
Lots of tips and scerios in this book.
I am using a visual reward system with my son, he desperately wants something so we have a spreadsheet that he adds the money to which he gets (pocket money) for making good choices. He knows what it will cost so he can see the reward is getting closer the more he does as he's expected.
Any visual reward is my go to.
Pick your battles and have firm boundaries around safety xx
 
@jm01 Just wondering if a group I’m in may help? Widowed, Solo Parenting - You're Not Alone.I am 3yrs in from the sudden death of my husband, and I too have an 11yr old girl and a 9yr old boy. I find the group really helpful and supportive. The founder of the group is @porcarofan, who is a seasoned widow herself and super supportive. Members from both sides of the pond. Sarah is in Canada, I’m in Wales! 😊 incase no one told you today, you’re doing great. 🫂
 
I’m sorry for your loss.
My suggestion is to read The Explosive Child by Dr Ross Greene. It will help with supporting you and your kids to communicate better and help you all to feel seen and heard. There are more effective, more collaborative ways to manage behaviour than reward systems. 💛
 
@scotthill I second this… it was so insightful and useful for understanding my daughter in particular. Just had a quick look on Google and he’s done lots of podcast interviews by the looks of things. They might be a good place to start @jm01 as I know I find trying to read exhausting. Sending you lots of calm hugs x
 
Hi so sorry for your loss did you and the children receive bereavement counciling. The school can help put this into place. As reward system try not to offer money as some weeks you may not be able to afford it. I used video eve with pop corn they both choose a film and watch them as a family. And allow them to stay up an extra 15 mins for youngest and 1/2 hour for eldest. My now 16 year old when she was younger and couldn't tell the time I used to you can stay up till 8.30 she was so excited poor thing didn't realise that was her bedtime anyway but she was so busy school, drama, dance, singing, speech and drama,. But if she was a little monster it was bed early and the 2 times I was called into school through unexseptable behaviour shed be banned form electronics ie TV and bed early for a week. But try putting little one bed earlier than the eldest as she needs quality time with mum even if it just snuggles in sofa or pamper eve x
 
We introduced positive negative points chart!girl 11 boy 6 they have a chore chart too!they get a negative point if they dont do their chores,misbehave,back chat dont do as they r told ect if they do chores do gud b helpfull kind ect they get positive points!if they get 10 or more negative points in a week they loose their tvs gaming equipment ect for the weekend.if they get 50 good points in a month (12.5 a week which shudnt b that hard!)they get a reward!aim is to do more with better behaviour and being kind n helpfull n stop some of the not so gud behaviour!i too am strugglin with the behaviour this has helped the 6 year old he can see how hes doing by the chart on the wall the 11 year old has dug her heals in n dosent like it but loosin her tv n not being able to call her mates is making her see her behaviour sumtimes has been unacceptable because they can see it we talk about it and they understand better wot they have n havent dun!im at a loss as to wot else i can do!but im tryin!😕
 
My sister just did marbles in a jar for her boys, when they had filled the jar they had a treat day then started again. Marbles can be given for any positive behaviour but can't be taken away.
So sorry for your loss. Have you looked into Winstones wish?
 
I’m not sure what it’s like near you .. but our council run parenting courses and groups. They are really great for tips and support. They do age related, behaviour related and SEN ones. They are evidence based too X
 
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