Seeking Reward System Ideas to Improve Home Environment for My Kids – Looking for Kind Advice

[captainhook77]

I'm so sorry to hear about their Dad. Trauma is going to have a significant impact on them. Have you seemed support from charities such as Winston's Wish?
Going down the positive route does work. Pointing out all the positive behaviors is hard work. It works both ways though as when I go through those stages with my children, it helps me to look out for the positives and there are so many more than I realize. I try to sit down with my kids asking them about the best bit of their day.

 

[luxlucile]

I’m so sorry for the difficult time you’ve all been through, it must be so hard. I hope you get some great advice. Xxx

 

[marcrene01]

Have you referred for grief and loss counselling?
I also like to use a board in the kitchen or a communal area. Everyone has the freedom to write how they are feeling that morning, saves snappy kids. Everyone knows who to not speak to/give space.
Never acknowledged other people’s negatives, until they’ve walked your path they have absolutely no idea. Parenting especially after loss or separation is not an easy task so keep going x

 

[hungry_for_jesus]

Try to do with "arguing " + "rewarding " jars, one with when they argue they need to put £1 in each time they do with a note, also other jar for rewards / kindness act, where they put a note in with £1. And read this by end of each week/ month. They can create whatever jar they want. We have got one with happy memories we add each time £2-5 and write happy moments note. Good luck with everything and be strong, you've got this.

 

[that_christian_guy]

@hungry_for_jesus This was suggested to me when my daughter was about 8 yrs old.
So we got a jar and I put a coin in it for good behaviour that evening.
Then she had an attitude.
She came up to me with the jar and said ‘you may as well have the money back eh’
I couldn’t stop laughing at what she said and realised that this was not the way for us
It’s a great idea though.
She’s now 20 and we are very close

 

[littleprincess_jenny]

Some good suggestions and I do feel counselling would help. I would also put up a visual timetable and include some family time where you can work on bonding, especially encouraging the brotherly/ sisterly bond. My son and daughter have started arguing since my son started secondary school as I think he sees his sister as too young now Try to use lots of positive encouragement when they are doing the right thing and never compare them or insult (you are acting like a baby/ what is wrong with you/ you are acting younger than your brother). Have a calm space for yourself so if they rile you, you can walk off and speak to them when you are calm and can reflect calmly. I can only imagine how tough it is on you all so do seek peofessional support ❤

 

[ablooeyedangel]

They will be frightened they are going to lose you too. Them arguing and fighting I would say is them getting thru it between themselves and not putting the pressure on you. They will end up falling on each other or coming to you, just my opinion

 

[kathiiford]

My daughter, 11, asked for a reward chart because I was having issues with her behaviour. She drew it herself and when she reaches number 10 she chooses one of the flags. Each day the pointer is either moved up if good, down if bad/naughty and then stays where it is if it's a bad day overall (her rules). Working so far

 

[lillibet253]

The only thing that ever works in my house is a simple star chart (ours are just stars on a magnet.m board). Once they get 5 each they can pick something from a special box. They have a small box each of treats and things I know they will like. They sometimes choose their own stuff for in the box too.

 

[elizabeth2727]

We have a star chart and they choose the reward my little girl has asked to go for cake and milkshake where there is a play area this time, but temp is really good for affordable rewards. I'm so sorry you are having a hard time there is nothing more annoying than criticism when you're asking for help I asked doctor for help with sleep for my little girl and she basically blamed me, the thing is it stops people asking. I hope you get it sorted soon

 

[%E5%8D%80%E9%A6%AC%E8%8E%89]

I haven’t read all the comments so forgive me if someone’s already suggested this. There is a book called the five languages of love by Gary Chapman. It explains that we each feel love in different ways and that the reward for one child may be to have quality time with you whilst for another it might be receiving a gift or an act of service. If you give a gift to the one who prefers quality time it won’t be so meaningful to them.
Now, I realise that trying to find time to read the book as a busy mumma is nigh on impossible but it is available as an audio book which maybe offers an opportunity to listen to while cooking/cleaning/driving.
He has written a version of his book relating specifically for children which may be a shorter read.
I wish you all the very best with this. I would highly recommend some hypnotherapy to help reduce your own feelings of overload as that will benefit you and your family.
Biggest point to remember is that every mumma out there reading this will feel your pain on this. We are all just trying to do our best…remember you are amazing…you are worthy and you are doing the best you can right now in difficult circumstances.

 

[daedalusk71]

We do end of the month rewards, they get to look on Amazon/eBay etc and pick anything up to £10 each. Lots of praise for good things, and trying to be gentle about the “bad”. I am also a very over reactive mum, and have completed parenting courses etc and am still trying to “re parent” my self. Don’t be so hard on your self, you’ll be surprised at how far an apology can go with children and what a good example it sets. I am so sorry for all of your loss and I hope you manage to figure something out that works for your family soon

 

[pastordunahugh]

@jm01 firstly I just wanted to express my condolences to you and your children, a devastating loss at any time to lose a father/husband, but you got this...I only have 1 at home at the moment (other at uni) and I focus way too much on the negative and act out my own failures as a parent, as a dad on my daughter which is so counterproductive it is just is at loggerheads most of the time. I love the idea of rewarding the good and discussing the bad because at the moment I shout at the bad and do nothing for the good. I am going to try and employ some of the ideas people have suggested, I hope you find a solution too x

 

[pman40]

@pastordunahugh I am with you on this. I lost my husband a year ago and we have one daughter, aged 11. All I seem to do is yell at her at the moment. I feel so awful afterwards but she pushes all my buttons. She has grown up so much in the last year and acts as if she’s 15. I can’t cope with the attitude

 

[pastordunahugh]

@pman40 I can empathise 100% with the yelling and feeling awful, and the more you shout the guiltier you feel and it is a perpetual cycle of guilt and just feeling rubbish

 

[absentia]

If your daughter wants to cook pick a night and give her a budget so she can plan the meal, go shopping ( with you) then prepare and cook ( with your supervision) your son may want to do the same or may choose something else then use the reward board then when so many “stars” ( or whatever the choice is) have a day out or night in ….. picnic / walk on the beach / woods make a list of things to find …. Night in with movie ( letting the kids take it in turns to choose) popcorn / hot chocolates / pamper night face masks / paint nails ect good luck and so sorry for your loss xx

 

[pl21000]

Support is shocking for dealing with grief, schools are usually quite god initially but they don't seem to be much good a year or 2 down the line However I would still speak with them to see if they can offer any support.
My kids used to fight all the time etc. I did sanctions stopped them having things or doing stuff but that just made them worse as they then had nothing to lose, so instead I started doing extra treats when they were behaving and made a point of saying because you didn't argue this morning we are going out, or because you did .... we have a nice dessert. Emphasise the good or even normal behaviour, also say things like we were going to go out but now we cant because your fighting

 

[nezira]

I'd be looking at a remedy the polar opposite of reward.

 

[chrysalis1977]

@nezira they have lost thier dad... the mum is trying rewards and responsibility first

 

[nezira]

@chrysalis1977 OK didn't know that.