Struggling with Teenagers and Mess: How Can I Get My Kids to Clean Up After Themselves?

You are not on your own I have a 15 year old daughter who is vile. We've bought her up to be kind caring thoughtful and helpful to no avail sadly. She won't do her home work unless forced, she back chats teachers. She doesn't use the Internet safely (She has list her phone perminately) We have to lock everything in a safe. She takes what she wants when she wants, acts hard done by and tries to bully us around the house to get what she wants. We have been good parents teaching her right from wrong and being strict with things when the need arises. Some days I despair and feel like a right failure 😕
 
@forever16 same boat here, I feel like I've brought my children up really well, with kindness and have always involved them in chores, given them responsibility and have always been good with rules and consequences yet here I am with a 14 year old that definitely thinks she rules the roost and I feel like im losing the plot daily!!! I'm sure people look at me like it's my fault and I must do better but gosh I'm completely burnt out!! 🙃
 
@forever16 me too. Doesn’t matter what we say, what we do, no respect whatsoever! On the odd days I see light soo try to focus on the positive however small they maybe x
 
You've got to go hard and stick to it. I'm in this, it's exhausting. But I can't give in now as it will all have been pointless. When they say 'you can't do that' about something I say 'oh I can, I am your parent not your friend and you have no idea how far I will go to ensure you grow in to a decent well rounded person' My daughter has squared up to me and all sorts. You have to keep the upper hand, respect for all adults but especially parents.
 
I sympathise as I'm in the same position..your post could've been typed by me (although I only have 1 child).
Being a single mum can be tough sometimes xx
 
Intervention meeting …if all sensible respectful rules are not followed ,take away tech,no money given ,no taxi duties to run them around ,and in extreme cases cancel or put mobile phone accounts on hold or take out SIM cards !!,mine know they get three warnings the third triggers one of the above and I’m proud to say I very rarely use any of them ,short phone ban occasionally ,and I also 100% do not accept them being disrespectful with no good reason to anyone either…,they are pretty good to be fair but I sympathise with how hard it must be and think you and your partner must draw a line in the sand and stand firm ,as you currently are their slaves ,and that’s disrespectful to you guys too
 
And my children still feel I’m approachable and talk to me about many issues that are private to them before the “your controlling brigade” start lecturing me !!,actions have consequences in all parts of life
 
My 15 yo boy can be just like that! But then can be the total opposite too. I usually take his devices until the chores are done. I do also give him £10 a week pocket money and a £1 comes off each day of his chores not being done. Usually the only way he’ll clean his room is if I’m in there telling him what to do. But he will do it. I think they do want to but get overwhelmed. As far as the back chatting goes, I just have to bite my tongue otherwise it all just escalates. If I don’t bite he’ll usually apologise when he’s calmed down. Best of luck and if you learn anything new that works, don’t foto share 🤗
 
Debz just wanted to say that I feel your pain . I have the same problem with my only one 14 and 8 . You have 4 of them . Be strong .
 
Maybe pick a top 5, get a set phrase with impact of it not being doing and repeat calmly until you know you being heard. Once you are heard you can go to find out why you being ignored. Teens are nice people …start with I feel (as that phrase can not be challenged). I feel stressed out when you … I feel exhausted when I am doing all of the washing etc
When it comes down to it they need to acknowledge again that you are not just mum… you are a person and you have needs and you feel!
Hope you find a solution and things go well for you over the summer 🤗
 
@tiara37 yes this worked really well for me! I held a family meeting and told them I wanted to run away as I couldn't take any more. We all cried. I showed them my mountain of lists of what I did every week and asked them what they did. They then chose things off the list to do each week. And we chose something fun to do on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon, like pizza and movie night. It's worked well for a few years now.
 
@reachacross I love so much that you managed to be heard… kids do know when their parents need them to tow the line / help … good to talk and be open about your feelings … I don’t think it’s a bad thing to let your kids know you aren’t invincible as a parent… your happy ending is lovely to hear about x
I read someone’s parenting comment on here once and it really inspired me it said roughly
I do all of this stuff because I love you not because I have to….
(They am weren’t talking about the basics of taking care of children life obvs! I think it was about teens).
I think that is a really good thing to say to kids … they need to appreciate why we did night shifts till we nearly passed out and then how that has moved forward as they growing up to doing things to give them a good life … I mean how many hours I spent in playground??!!! 🤣 at playgroups , play dates …. Love not because I have to/want to!!!
I hope OP finds something that works as it’s impossible to avoid when it’s in your own home … crossing 🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞
 
@edens I’ve done this. I currently do this with my 3 and 5 year olds. If they refuse to clear away the toys they have gotten out everything goes in the toy bin and is held there for an amount of days dependant on how long it took them to clean up in the first place.
It took them exactly 2 toy bin episodes to make sure that they clean up the first time I ask now.
It starts when they are little and is reinforced as they grow. My eldest (now 14) didn’t have a phone until she was 12. When she did it only had the capability to ring me, her dad and her Nanna. She wasn’t allowed social media and even now she is only allowed two.
 
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