foluwashola
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F
Seeking Reward System Ideas to Improve Home Environment for My Kids – Looking for Kind Advice
- Thread starter jm01
- Start date
christismyarmor
New member
Firstly, you have a lot of pressure on yourself as a single mum, and a grieving one at that, and all the extra things you will worry about for your children and their psychology.
The main thing that will help you is to be consistent.
Thr next thing that may help you is to change their diet slightly. Cut sugar (this can give them great highs and manic times, and then crashes). Sugar really is like a drug for kids and should be limited. Trust me, you'll see a difference. Up their intake of veg and especially red veg or green veg. Too many carbs can also turn into sugar and can affect their behaviour. Carbs are good, and filling, but just not too much.
Getting up in the morning and making eggs is a normal thing for an 11 year old... they are finding their feet as they are growing into a teen (and although they are allergic - it was just a normal trial that kids at that age do), they love to move on to the next stage of development and experimenting. You can give them an alternative, tell them "in the morning, you can help yourself to such and such and cook it for thr both of you."
You are tired. You're brain is overworked, kids are very astute at picking up on overworked parents or stressed parents, and will be reacting to this. As well as the reward thing, I think you should find a day in the week where someone else takes the kids for a good few hours and let's you go and have a coffee with a friend and just be you, vent, and be a human again.
The main thing that will help you is to be consistent.
Thr next thing that may help you is to change their diet slightly. Cut sugar (this can give them great highs and manic times, and then crashes). Sugar really is like a drug for kids and should be limited. Trust me, you'll see a difference. Up their intake of veg and especially red veg or green veg. Too many carbs can also turn into sugar and can affect their behaviour. Carbs are good, and filling, but just not too much.
Getting up in the morning and making eggs is a normal thing for an 11 year old... they are finding their feet as they are growing into a teen (and although they are allergic - it was just a normal trial that kids at that age do), they love to move on to the next stage of development and experimenting. You can give them an alternative, tell them "in the morning, you can help yourself to such and such and cook it for thr both of you."
You are tired. You're brain is overworked, kids are very astute at picking up on overworked parents or stressed parents, and will be reacting to this. As well as the reward thing, I think you should find a day in the week where someone else takes the kids for a good few hours and let's you go and have a coffee with a friend and just be you, vent, and be a human again.
eliasmontesdeoca
New member
Try using the parenting puzzle. Highly recommend this book.
When ours were a bit younger we had 2 clear plastic bottles that they personalised and were filled up with with a variety of things as a reward. Feathers because they tickle when they had made someone laugh, pompoms with glitter as they made someone feel warm and sparkly inside. Bits of paper with their good behaviour written on.
When the bottle was full a family time event of their choice was the reward. We had bike rides, trip to the woods or park etc
The thing about the feathers was that they could fluff up or squash down depending on when the reward needed to be obtained.
When the bottle was full a family time event of their choice was the reward. We had bike rides, trip to the woods or park etc
The thing about the feathers was that they could fluff up or squash down depending on when the reward needed to be obtained.
We have been doing a ‘smiles’ jar - a note gets placed in the jar with a message stating who has made you smile and why. A winner then gets picked out for a prize and the other gets a runners up prize. We then read the notes. I say the more nice things you do, the more times your name goes in. My two are always at each other-winding each other up. My son is 12 (and neurodiverse) and my daughter is 7.
I’m deeply sorry to hear of your loss. Please don’t be hard on yourself. You sound like an incredible mum xx
I’m deeply sorry to hear of your loss. Please don’t be hard on yourself. You sound like an incredible mum xx
I would suggest asking for help in the form of family therapy for you all, my friend - it sounds like there may be issues going on, like unresolved anxiety and anger, following their father's very sad passing - perhaps for you as well. All very best wishes, hun, i'm sure you're doing a great job and your very best xx
This sounds so much like my two and ironically my children are similar ages: girl - 12yrs and boy - 7yrs. I feel like I am police mum a lot of the time… I am hoping it’s a phase they will eventually grow out of… 
i am sorry you’ve been through such hardship 
I hope things improve xx
i am sorry you’ve been through such hardship I hope things improve xxthe_creation_center
New member
7 is the hardest of ages and 11 is too so they are clashing majorly. This is NORMAL! Not including the terrible trauma of the last 3 years. Saying that there is nothing wrong with setting new boundaries and rewards. Reward charts with goals. The 11 year olds needs to be more Sophisticated as he thinks he is growing up NOW and should be treated more that way. You need to bring the silly back. When things are struggling you need to change the atmosphere put on favourite songs. Do something sensory as a group to break the tension. Making cupcakes is easy and cheap.I’d also suggest a walk each day around the block. Doesn’t have to be far. But use it to discuss the world , neighbours etc. Give them context that their lives are part of a bigger picture too. But if it continues as you are really struggling get the kids to a psychologist who can help you. They seriously rock
singlemamaof3
New member
Just sending first of all hugs to you all. Grief is timeless for all involved and the saying is true that you take it out on your nearest and dearest. Maybe a box of suggestions or remarks that they could write and if needed to be addressed around the family table with a meal. Maybe aswell as do as much together but also give them 1 on 1 time just to chit chat and breathe. Wish you the best of luck. Don't worry. My 2 lads share a bedroom and it's hell between them. Xxx
Try catch them being good (even if you need to dig deep) and go to town on compliments. Fake it till you make it.
Sit down whilst calm and have a family meeting about feelings, respect and boundaries. Get the kids to decide, I bet you’ll find they agree they’ve crossed a line.
Agree non negotiable
Middle ground
Minor offences
Then get them to agree
Good behaviours
Helping out
- wow my kids are amazing!!!!
Perhaps rewards could be bonding activities, movie night with treats, living room sleep over, day at park, games night.
My kids are 11 &8 and always tell me family time is what they rank as the most fun - honestly it’s quite often the free stuff
Also it’s brave of you to post so I think you’re already a good mum, go easy on yourself and I hope you find some ideas that work for you
Sit down whilst calm and have a family meeting about feelings, respect and boundaries. Get the kids to decide, I bet you’ll find they agree they’ve crossed a line.
Agree non negotiable
Middle ground
Minor offences
Then get them to agree
Good behaviours
Helping out
- wow my kids are amazing!!!!
Perhaps rewards could be bonding activities, movie night with treats, living room sleep over, day at park, games night.
My kids are 11 &8 and always tell me family time is what they rank as the most fun - honestly it’s quite often the free stuff
Also it’s brave of you to post so I think you’re already a good mum, go easy on yourself and I hope you find some ideas that work for you
So sorry for your loss. A little tip that helped me:
I've tried this myself during hard parenting times and it will sound crazy. Go over the top with positivity- 'oh my gosh you're amazing!!', 'you've woken up looking so beautiful!', 'do you remember when you....(insert something good) oh wow you were brilliant', as soon as they wake up (even if theyre being pains). Its like a distraction from their habit of acting out. Disrupting them yourself but with good things. Put fun music on. Keep it going, ignore minor annoyances (even if your eye is twitching with stress!) and interrupt them with positive things and be very over dramatic with positivity. What I'd imagine was the way in which I told them off, I'd be very extra equally in praising. They all stared at me like I was a weirdo (I felt like it!) but then after a bit they almost looked for ways to get that praise again and came up with ways together to do good. They got it and then I explained how good it feels to do something nice for someone/how nice it feels to be kind, just really over the top. I found I'd be really repetitive in being stressed out or letting things get on top but if you take yourself out of the situation and just make it about teaching the dynamics, personal space, downtime (if you feel stressed take yourself away, voice it nicely and you can have your space) things changed. Don't get me wrong this all happened on and off and I couldn't always stick to it but it's a lot more peaceful when you flip their behaviour on its head. Just as a little disclaimer as I know what the Internet is like, I always praise my children but when we're going through tough periods I just have to be over the top. Sometimes meeting stress with rewards or taking something away doesn't always work for us, kids copy so when my kids are stressed i do have to check myself. They're tough ages, mine are similar, but it doesn't hurt to give it a go. It works for me. Wishing you the best of luck xx
I've tried this myself during hard parenting times and it will sound crazy. Go over the top with positivity- 'oh my gosh you're amazing!!', 'you've woken up looking so beautiful!', 'do you remember when you....(insert something good) oh wow you were brilliant', as soon as they wake up (even if theyre being pains). Its like a distraction from their habit of acting out. Disrupting them yourself but with good things. Put fun music on. Keep it going, ignore minor annoyances (even if your eye is twitching with stress!) and interrupt them with positive things and be very over dramatic with positivity. What I'd imagine was the way in which I told them off, I'd be very extra equally in praising. They all stared at me like I was a weirdo (I felt like it!) but then after a bit they almost looked for ways to get that praise again and came up with ways together to do good. They got it and then I explained how good it feels to do something nice for someone/how nice it feels to be kind, just really over the top. I found I'd be really repetitive in being stressed out or letting things get on top but if you take yourself out of the situation and just make it about teaching the dynamics, personal space, downtime (if you feel stressed take yourself away, voice it nicely and you can have your space) things changed. Don't get me wrong this all happened on and off and I couldn't always stick to it but it's a lot more peaceful when you flip their behaviour on its head. Just as a little disclaimer as I know what the Internet is like, I always praise my children but when we're going through tough periods I just have to be over the top. Sometimes meeting stress with rewards or taking something away doesn't always work for us, kids copy so when my kids are stressed i do have to check myself. They're tough ages, mine are similar, but it doesn't hurt to give it a go. It works for me. Wishing you the best of luck xx
@joesnuffy I have used this tactic working with disabled adults (with challenging behaviour) and it WORKS! Ignoring the problematic behaviour and praising the most random things and suddenly they’re like oh… you like how I did that thing? Let me do it again, but BETTER! And then suddenly they were all competing for the golden buzzer of praise
beholdyourgod
New member
@pspalin when one of mine was young and acting up, I was told to catch them doing good and praise. Even for the smallest of things. At 1st it was hard. Cause she was always doing wrong. Remember thinking how can we praise her when we can't catch her doing something. But yes doing the praise. Start off with the things that are very little. I know for myself at work, it feels good to be noticed and you do want to do more. And they also will act up to get attention. So catching them when doing good gives the positive attention.
lanaforjesus
New member
I hate to say this but sometimes it is just good to say my kid/s a knob!
@lanaforjesus oh you’ve met
my kids
my kids
Have one evening a week where you let them have ‘free speech’ about anything good bad or different that they are
Feeling….don’t get upset if it’s negative just let them be
Listen…
Have a positivity chart where they get points for a fave day out somewhere they love going/doing and they both work towards it
If there ideas are very different have a pot for each of them with different choices in and lucky dip alternately
So sorry for the loss of parent/partner (I lost my dad at 12 took me years to accept as no relationship with mother) let them be angry or cry there is no time limit to grief xx
Feeling….don’t get upset if it’s negative just let them be
Listen…
Have a positivity chart where they get points for a fave day out somewhere they love going/doing and they both work towards it
If there ideas are very different have a pot for each of them with different choices in and lucky dip alternately
So sorry for the loss of parent/partner (I lost my dad at 12 took me years to accept as no relationship with mother) let them be angry or cry there is no time limit to grief xx
itsrashrash
New member
@stoke1984 I really like the idea free speech night may have to try this one x
I think the last part of your post explained a lot about what's going on. That's a massive bereavement at such a young age, I'm so sorry for you all, and if they know the circumstances, they're possibly feeling some anger too. Try Winston's Wish, they support bereaved children, and provide resources for families. They also sell a book that you can fill in with them, to remember things about their dad. Please take time to look after yourself too, you're coping with a lot, don't burn yourself out xx