Seeking Reward System Ideas to Improve Home Environment for My Kids – Looking for Kind Advice

I don’t have any advice regarding the loss of a parent but I am a single mum of two and my youngest (a ten year old girl) is the worst for just not being upfront and telling me what’s going on with her. It’s a different story with my eldest - he’s honestly one of my favourite people to be around. I think you just have to persevere. I can also be reactive but I try to reign it in and try to (not always successfully) put myself in the mindset of my youngest and if that fails then I just ask her outright what can I do? I honestly think that the best we can do when kids choose the lonesome path is just to let them know that we - as their trusted adults - are there for them. No matter what.
 
This isn't what you asked for, but my be useful for your 7 year old. It helped a lot with my daughter (she has ptsd and anxiety and struggle a lot with expressing emotions)

Lanterns | Games | Health for Kids

Help get to grips with your feelings by adding a note to one of our lanterns and watch as it floats off, high into the night's sky.
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They can pick their emotion, write it down, pick the evoke and watch it float away. I use to leave my daughter alone to do it and tell her she doesn't have to explain to me how she's feeling, but she can of she likes and I'm so my best to help. She would usually tell me after she's finished anyway. Good luck, bereavement is very difficult and confusing.
 
I’d recommend if you haven’t already joining widowed and young WAY Widowed and Young. It has lots of sub groups for people with kids navigating loss of a partner and the impact it has on the children. It’s very friendly and supportive group and give great advice from people going through similar experiences.
 
There is a great book called calmer happier easier parenting I’m not a great fan of self help books but found this one so helpful and practical
 
Hi @jm01 I’m so sorry about your husband. Have you had any family counseling? You included? I can’t say exactly what will help but sometimes if healing hasn’t taken place it can cause so many problems especially with young kids who struggle to manage their emotions. Have the kids had counselling in school? Pastoral support. My husband died 18 months ago and I definitely sore lots of behavioural issues with my eldest, not so much my younger two. All three have had counselling and still do. I think it really makes a difference. Sending my best to you. Xxx
 
I would start with a list of rules. Then break each day down into sections (1-2 hours) for each time they follow the rules they get a tick. The child that has the most ticks at the end of the week, gets to choose a family activity reward from the jar (you can do these to meet your budget; picnic at the park/takeaway/movie night etc) let the kids make a list of activities they would like with you and then pop them all in a jar. Overly praise the good and with the negative, just 'ok, you can try a bit harder this time'
I am so sorry you all had such an extreme loss 💔 am hoping you are all getting some kind of support x
 
Look at @bootsey and what her team can offer, you've all been through too much. And look after yourself as much as possible. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Xx
 
Enormous hugs! You will get through this.
Check out Chris green - beyond toddlerdom keeping 5-12 year olds on the rails (it's an easy read). This paediatrician knows his stuff and gives genuine insight and helpful tips. He helps you to understand what is normal behaviour and what may be something more. He also acknowledges how hard parenting is. His first book toddler taming gave me permission to just let go of some stuff and now I'm able to parent in a better way. (I have also been through a lot of trauma and have some residual PTSD so I can get very reactive if pushed too hard). Question number 1 - are you getting enough sleep? Because that can really make everything (especially when you are a single parent) so much harder, it takes a toll on your emotional health as much as your physical.
There are several charities that could help support your family, specialising in trauma - like Kids Inspire. Your kids school maybe able to connect you to some additional support services also that could provide counselling.
Definitely don't get involved in the conflict that your children are creating, and definitely reward the good behaviour - marble jar! (They can work towards something that way). But also create good memories - create opportunities to look forward to things. Bring in some Joy. From the sounds of it you are doing an awesome job and I hope you are able to get some additional support to work through such a traumatic and painful experience.
 
In my house I count to 3. If they haven't done what I have asked or don't listen etc by the time I get to 3 then they loose a privilege. TV, tablet r switch for the day. No questions asked. I never use food as a reward or a punishment
 
A lady I follow on Instagram uses these punch cards. They you make a chart for what 10 punches gets them. A small toy, two full cards a cinema trip. That sort of thing. It needn’t be expensive stuff but stuff the children will want to earn https://amzn.eu/d/btOGVOX
I also second the lady who said to contact Widowed and Young. My friend is getting amazing support from them and the friends she’s made through them. So sorry for your loss. ♥️
 
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