Seeking Reward System Ideas to Improve Home Environment for My Kids – Looking for Kind Advice

Though they are only 7 and 11 I would talk to them.
I would highlight they are loved, they are brave. I would then ask them what would be best way to reward them for good behaviour and recognising bad behaviour.
With the loss of their Dad they hav experienced loss of control. Maybe mention whether they like schools system my daughters primary school has dojo system. Also include family rewards. No conditional. I would also look at opportunities for emotional release. The three of u are possibly trying to be brave not releasing sadness, anger, frustration a safe form of release is key.
 
Sounds like you're all a bit stuck in fight within fight and flight mode from the trauma you all suffered, therapy if you're not already for all of you that will help so much for you all to be less reactive. I agree with what someone else said, reinforce positivity - go above and beyond when they do good things even if it feels dramatic, it'll help them want to do the good things more. If you do go reward route definitely make it a team effort like others have suggested, I think it will help them feel supported and like a team. Fingers crossed mama, its hard out here 😴❤️
 
Having been that child, the behaviour will come in waves. When you suffer this type of loss so young as you’re growing up it’s like a new phase of grief hits at different points and ages. Your youngest just won’t understand but will know they feel a certain way but your oldest will be starting to questions the whys, it’s hard and gets harder before it gets easier but just knowing they’re loved will make a world of difference. Hang in there and remember you’re grieving too. Sending you lots of love ❤️
 
Reward systems don't work and destroy internal motivation. I have 4 kids, 3 are autistic adhd. We have days like this. I get it. Reward systems aren't the way forward though.
 
Borstal ? Lol, hang in there mum you got this. Let's look at this from another view how independent they are trying to be, creative and at some point caring trying to cook for little brother. Do they do clubs ? They need an outlet. You doing a fab job parenting is the hardest. Look after you and set boundaries and stick to them. Rewards and consequences are always helpful but you must stick to them be realistic with timeouts etc. Buckle up it's a hell of a ride and improves once they hit 25 lol x
 
I have a simple chart of ticks and crosses. It gives them their pocket money at the end of the week. They get a tick for good behaviour (making their beds, getting ready for school without me asking etc) and a cross for bad behaviour. At the end of the week we count up the ticks and crosses, the crosses counteract a tick and whatever if left over they get 50p per tick so 10 ticks and 5 crosses would be £2.50 for example. Works well here but you have to be consistent with it x
 
Can I just say, you sound like an amazing Mum. You absolutely know the needs of your children, you understand that there are reasons for this behaviour, you know your own strengths and what you find more difficult.
What your children ultimately need is you ! ♥️
Why not have a reward process where if you see something kind , great day at school,no fighting etc you put something in their reward point. When they reach a certain level ,they get a day out with you ,they can choose what they would like to do (within reason) if you have the childcare for the other child, this would give them special time with you and try and eliminate the sibling rivalry for a little while as you have 1:1 time.Hopefully this would also encourage the other sibling to up their game to get their day out with you !
I understand this might not work ,just a suggestion 💛
 
Reward systems havent worked in our house wev tried a few im now waiting for there go henry bank cards u can set chores on the app so iv put things like no fighting giving each other respect tidy own rooms taking time out when there feeling angry or overwhelmed then iv done them communication books i write the same in them and they get a smiley face when they have done all the above then 50p per chore/behaviour at end of week then im hoping when there cards come and they can go and spend there money in the shops this will be a big incentive for them ino money is t the issue but my kids love a friday when they go the shops and pick themselves something so using there own card will be great for them so hoping this is going to work they can earn £5 each a week with doing there bits cant imagine what you and your children are feeling and dealing with emotionally 🥰🥰🥰
 
Oh I feel your pain. My husband died when our twins were 2. It's so hard to deal with emotional children. On a positive they have a lot of spirit and when they can manage that it will be brilliant for them and you. I have no judgement but a well meaning person told me about a book called boundaries with kids and it was so helpful . It's an old book, not very big so you can read it quickly but it really helped me. I'd say it's worth having a look, or Google how to set boundaries with kids if you can't find the book (I don't have it anymore) I wish you loads of luck and strength x
 
Not exactly a reward as in a physical here's a physical treat but I've started a 'we're all going out when I get paid' thing (mine are teenagers and would live in their bedrooms if I let them). I've spoken with them about where they'd like to go which was a task in itself. I've got on the list so far escape rooms, bowling, crazy golf, a sculpture park. I may add a night away somewhere. I feel if we're together somewhere away from home it gives us a chance to reconnect outside of those 4 walls. Good luck. It's really hard
 
I really, really empathise with your post Nayomi, absolutely no judgement here. Grief is painful for everyone, adding in the complexities of someone taking their own life will likely evoke many feelings, especially so for little people, confusion, fear, guilt, wasn’t my love enough, really hard thoughts for anyone. I would genuinely consider counselling, either for yourself or as a family, they will be able to guide you and your children on how best to navigate a really, really bumpy road. I would like to say more but don’t want to post on a public forum. You would be very welcome to message me if you’d like. I’d tackle the behaviour once you all have had chance to sort through/share your feelings.
Sending you so much love xx ❤️
 
Firstly as so many have already said you around like an amazing mum and I'm sorry for what you have all been through.
Mine are 6 and 7 and we had to resort to rewards just to get out of the door to school. We used the marble jar to earn a reward of their choosing. They set the parameters (with some guidance 😉) so they were in control of why they earned the marbles and what they would get at the end. It has to be something they want or it just doesn't work. Pocket money doesn't motivate either of mine but time with me does, doing an activity or going out.
Always look for the sliver lining when in the tough stuff. Praise for trying to be helpful and cooking breakfast and calmly talk about the rest. When they argue is there something positive that one is trying to explain, is one right or both right from different perspectives? Could they help each other understand rather than shout at each other.
Does the 11yr old have a later bed time than the 7 year old? Could this be her time with you or some self care time?
It's going to be trial and error and some things will work and others won't but my advice would be to bring them into the conversation. Work together as a family, teach them to communicate with you more effectively and just keep loving them. You are their safe space. Good luck x
 
Have no advice on a reward chart for their age, but what I would advise is when they argue is to just ignore it, I remember when me and my siblings used to argue and when our parents would get involved it would only make us angrier and fight more, leave them to it and they'll get fed up eventually
 
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