Struggling with Teenagers and Mess: How Can I Get My Kids to Clean Up After Themselves?

[formeratheist]

@sarah92083 This!!

 

[tkim2409]

@sarah92083 ask? Ask? I haven't tried that

 

[sarah92083]

@tkim2409 sometimes it’s the way you ask. I have heard many parents “ask” their children but it comes out as a demand. Which teens will resist. Tone of voice matters too and if they’ve already lost respect for you because you are taking their belongings away they’ve probably already tuned out to the sound of your voice too, unless there’s a huge benefit for them. It also matters WHEN you ask (i.e. not when they are doing something that’s important to them).

 

[ebless]

It's tough, I've always said your child is swapped as a teenager, it looks like your child but its an alien as they don't talk, they don't clean, they expect you to do everything for them etc, eventually you do get your child back. After having 3 teenagers im not sure if anything continually works, but something to look forward to is when they have teenagers themselves, mine now do and I hear them moan how lazy their kids are and messy, I sit smirking with the response oh really what fun

 

[jjoseph]

@sarah92083 ive tried numerous ways. When i talk to them calmly & explain expectations etc it just falls on deaf ears. I dont try and intimidate my kids I didnt mean that, I just meant that they dont react when I do express my feelings wether it be in a positive or negative light. I pretty much get ignored or laughed at. Ive tried rewarding them for when they do good but again they just wont do it even with an incentive but in my mind they made the mess so it falls on them to do it. I shouldn't have to reqward them for doing common sense stuff like bringing dirty dishes down that theyve used. Ive banned food upstairs but they still ignore me. I know respect works both ways & I do my utmost to respect them but its just not reciprocated in any way. Ive asked nicely till im blue in the face then i get riled up & lose the plot because no ones listening. I cant win!

 

[formeratheist]

@jjoseph There is a book called Punished by Rewards that might help. Rewards and punishments really aren’t the way to go. Have a look at @lorene and The B Team

 

[stephen1300]

Maybe go for the carrot instead of the stick method?

 

[mcross]

Turn off the internet

 

[ant0099]

Take their phones... then they don't have data... x

 

[gorymithe]

I have this battle in my house constantly it drives me mad but I just have to get on with it
Tbh when I'm home from work I'm completely wipped off my feet so I just imagine they feel the Same with school and life so maybe there isn't much energy left to deal with the house.
I leave their rooms it's their space my daughters room you can't even walk in it I don't no how she copes, the only rules in my house is no shoes in house and all food be eaten at table no food or drinks upstairs (cause a family of mice woule definitely move in upstairs if there was food rubbish up there)
People say I will miss it when they are gone but I honestly can't see I will

 

[darinr80]

My friends used to say I was far too hard on my girls. There was no mobile/Internet in the 90s but there was TV. Never used to let them watch it till homework done and if they were sent to there rooms they had to read otherwise I would cut the plugs off there tv and stereo. It did work but it wasn't till my eldest moved out at 21 I realised the youngest used to pay her to clean her room, I then had a 19 year old who lived in a pigsty. If I found her stuff round the house I literally opened her door and threw it in stopped doing her washing etc. Didn't make any difference she bought a house at 21 and moved out. Her house is beautiful till you go in their bedroom and nothing has changed. I agree block there phones or stop paying for them altogether they have to earn things stop changing their beds, doing washing if its not put in the basket. For your mental health I think your husband needs to take over and be the bad guy, try and take half an hour out every day for yourself even its only going for
a walk. Good luck xx

 

[shosho]

Take away their phone chargers, only do your laundry, not there's, stop buying treats, don't give them any money.
Have a discussion round the table about it all and give each child specific jobs to do.

 

[christy01]

Glad I’m not the only one, seems never ending and mine argue every second of the day!

 

[whoaxxitsxtasha]

I could have literally wrote this about my 18 16 and 12 year old literally identical

 

[djo82]

Take a look at Dr Becky at good inside. She has some good parenting tips from toddlers to teens. It might feel a little corny at first, but I've implemented some of her ideas and they seem to work on my ASD kid, so they should work on neurotypical children (which I'm assuming yours are) too.
Otherwise I'd maybe try keeping up with the bare minimum of household jobs so you don't upset your mental health and remove all luxuries, including lifts to places.
There's a lot of power in the word no, seems your teens have figured that out

 

[theone305]

Our teens and tweens phones are on Google family link so I can instantly lock them if needed, generally though I have found identifying which is each child's preferred job or certain jobs on certain days and sticking with it as they don't see the mess or take the initiative otherwise ,also work with their schedules - one of mine gets home earlier than the others , one is an early riser , one a night owl etc

 

[kmbmailbox]

Whatever you say you’re going to do make sure you stick to it. Otherwise next time you say something they’ll not believe you and ignore what you’re saying. I hope things improve for you.

 

[alykcu8908]

Who’s paying for the data? Cut that out

 

[healthyralph]

I don't think treating them as children works unfortunately. In conflict resolution there are three actors, parent, child and adult. It sounds like you need a family meeting and you need to keep really calm throughout. As a family you need to work out expectations of everyone (including yourself) to live happily. It takes a strong character not to revert to being a parent but if you do then the other actor in the resolution will revert to a child state when they do not have the emotional maturity to remain an adult. It's fascinating stuff and it's something that a child psychologist talks about that I listen to.
If you stop thinking of the older ones as your children and actually cohabitants of your house it changes your perspective. If their room is untidy, it's their room. It's their choice. The rest of the house is shared space and there are expectations.
Think about how you'd feel if someone told you how to keep your personal space. Your teenagers will only learn responsibility by having some.
Now clearly if they've left uneaten food in their room that may attract pests but in your family meeting you can discuss consequences. Same as not washing clothes etc. You can say at your meeting that clearly they wish to be independent from you and therefore you as a family need to move towards a new dynamic
It may also mean that you have to divvy up the shared space so crockery, cutlery, glasses for you and the younger one and then they have their own stuff. It will eventually work. Some of this is about accepting that they are immature grown ups... And so they need to start behaving like grown ups

 

[ljomwa]

I feel for you, know exactly what u mean x