Navigating ADHD Diagnosis and Social Challenges for Teen Son

[zickzackduck]

@tj00110 thank you so much

 

[needgodalways]

Completely in agreement with everyone here. My 9 year old with ADHD has no filter and I completely get his/your struggles. Half of our problems are really trying to appease other people and not upset them with his swearing etc. otherwise I would let so much more stuff go and we’d both be so much happier as a result! His argument is “they’re only words.” He doesn’t quite get that it’s ok in the safety of his home, but not ok out and about as other people find it offensive.
I guess all you can do is just keep reinforcing about how he doesn’t have to change who he is, but maybe to think how his words may affect others (if he can, as obviously impulsiveness is an issue with adhd too). And to think of different situations where things are and aren’t acceptable. My eldest with ASD used to do a lot of this at school and role play diff situations. Obvs with a 17 year old you can just chat it through. My son responds best to examples.
Medication has definitely changed our lives. It took a while to get on the right one as methylphenidate just made him so much worse and mega angry, but now he’s on lisdexamfetamine and by gosh I can tell when he’s forgotten to take it! Every second word is a swear word. It’s almost like Tourette’s. I am thinking a non-stimulant med may be best long-term as his eating and sleeping is all over. He doesn’t eat all day and then has loads in the middle of the night! Anyway, you’ll find one that works for your son
My agreement with him is that I only correct him at home when his words are directly offensive. If it’s just coming out as part of his conversation and almost like a tic, then I ignore it. When we’re out, I’m only really telling him off for the sake of others, as I know in that moment he really can’t help it.
I don’t know if that helps at all, but just wanted to say you’re not alone and I get your struggles. My son doesn’t have many friends and alienated a lot of people. But he’ll find his tribe and he’ll always know he has a lovely mum who always has his back.x

 

[zickzackduck]

@needgodalways so much helpful information, thank you so much. You have spent a lot of time writing that, I really appreciate it. Xx

 

[willbutler0208]

I have two asd children, what I've found is it shows who the real and fake friends are, I've taught my kids that people are just asshole sometimes and it is more of a reflection of them than us. Personally I don't want to be friends with anyone who talks about me behind my back, I much prefer my friends to be able to tell me what the problem is and talk about it like adults

 

[zickzackduck]

@willbutler0208 yes, a few of my friends are very understanding. I have friends with kids, teenagers the same and I love speaking to them about it, they get what I'm on about xx

 

[tblinn]

My son is 16 and has asd and adhd. He has no filters says it as it is. Somebody annoys him when we are out he will say something and I will support him if he is right.

 

[zickzackduck]

@tblinn yes, I do to an extent. I do think sometimes he takes things to far but I'll just look at him and shake my head he'll know he's gone to far xx

 

[chlynn]

I have this all the time with my son. And if you try to explain its due to his ADHD, people will then just say we can't always use it as an excuse for bad behaviour etc etc.
But they are just showing themselves up to be ill informed and ignorant about neurodiversity.
My son doesnt have a lot of friends but the ones he does have are the nicest, kindest kids ever. So it may be a blessing in disguise as he will weed out the judgemental snobs

 

[michaelreid1201]

@chlynn it’s not an excuse but it is a reason and if people can’t see past that then I’m afraid that’s on them. Been there and my son is now 23. I now just have different challenges x

 

[chlynn]

@michaelreid1201 exactly, it's their ignorance which is the problem x

 

[findingtruth]

@michaelreid1201 I’ve always said not an excuse but a reason

 

[zickzackduck]

@chlynn he's lucky also to have a great friends group. They spend most of their time at the gym or with girls. I agree, they need to read more about it to understand how he feels. Thank you xx

 

[drumrchick]

My son has asd I have no advice apart from just listen your son is perfect the way he is and as a special brain and we are the lucky ones to be let into their world. Two of the saddest things my son has said to me is you don’t know how it feels to pretend to be someone else everyday (king of masking) and I don’t know how it feels for him to go to school and not to know if he will ever see me again

 

[zickzackduck]

@drumrchick I understand this, it's very sad. He's says similar to me

 

[hawkman000]

I agree with the others here. Real friends and family worth keeping in your lives will be open to hearing about ADHD and how it might present. Those that chose not to listen/learn with you and talk behind his back are not people you need. Cut them out. Let your son know you understand him and that he has a good heart and you will always be there to help support and advocate for him.

 

[zickzackduck]

@hawkman000 thank you! Yes, my son knows I'm here for him and love him unconditionally. You are right, I know you are, it's just very hard xx

 

[hawkman000]

@zickzackduck I know it is. My kids are 14 and 10. They both have ADHD and are autistic. They were diagnosed ASD long before the ADHD diagnosis. I still remember vividly being at a park with some friends when they were little and something happened on the climbing frame and I could gear someone whispering about my son and asking everyone if he had pushed another child. Those kind of situations stick with you. You pretend you don't hear but inside they make you feel unwelcome. There have been many horrible situations over the years, times my eldest has been asked to leave various things etc. I remember them all but I try to move on as time and meeting new people and attending activities where people are more understanding such as disability friendly clubs etc have shown me for every horrible non understanding person, there is another wonderful person you will meet who gets it and wants to understand/help.
Must be very tough reaching 17 without diagnosis so really hard for both of you as people have preconceived ideas by then about behaviour.

 

[icor413]

I’ve recently been late diagnosed with ADHD and although you may not see it now, this is a great thing for him. He can now identify why he’s always been unable to stop himself from saying things and that is so much better than spending your whole adult life feeling like you suck socially and are somehow dumb. I have horrible social anxiety because of it. And you may find if they prescribe medication this will be easier for him to manage. For me it was the answer I needed. And he will be able to link up with others who will understand. It sucks thinking your whole life that you’re a wierd horse when you’re actually a perfect zebra. There’s community in that.
I’m also a mother to an ND child. Just be affirming of his ADHD. Assure him that you are there for him no matter what, and show interest in it and learn as much as you can about it. He will love you for it.

 

[taylorgrace]

@icor413 I always say this to people who say they don't want their kid labelled. They'll get labelled either way - do you want "ADHD" or naughty, difficult, awkward, annoying, weird etc

 

[zickzackduck]

@icor413 I love this! This is the perfect description. I'm sorry you've had a hard time, it must be tough.
He's not at all socially awkward, he's very outgoing and generally a very happy typical teenager. He doesn't really think much about it. I'm the one really upset about the whole thing. Thank you for the information and help xx