Managing Friendships and ADHD in a Teenager

I have worked with teens for 18 years and there has been a real change with regards to friendships and social understanding. Friendships seem to be a lot less stable, teens are behaving like primary children with lots of; "she looked at me funny", "he is my friend but hanging out with x,y,z" followed by fall outs and tantrums. Schools have responded with an increase in pastoral care, but it's often not enough. We have lonely children without decent friendships in every classroom in the country, and it's a travesty. For your son, I'd say to look forward to the future because he will find his tribe, and schools can be incredibly toxic. College, apprenticeship and work is where he will thrive. Focus on the positivity of the future for him ❤️
 
Army cadets was a life saver for my teen. I can not recommend it highly enough for social skills, life skills, and loads.of fun. It is also incredibly cheap (£1 a session which is 2.5 hours, all uniform.apart from boots included). She is currently.on 2 weeks summer camp with them which was £70 - for all accommodation, transport, food and activities! They have been working on their badge levels so my child has done skill at arms and weapon handling, shooting (rifles and hand guns) first aid, physical training, drill and turnout, adventure training (abseiling, rock climbing, mountain biking, canoes etc) field craft, expedition and navigation etc they have also been to a theme park, had a party and other down time.activities. She has met so many people and as they are kept busy, doesn't have the time to have difficulties. There also sea.and air cadets, police cadets etc of army is not for him. Best thing I ever did for my daughter and she has been a cadet for about 18 months now and still loves it.
 
Watch ‘how to ADHD’ videos on YouTube. It helps you to understand and work with your brain instead of against it.
 
I have to admit they learn different but even a child age 11 c(matching his mental age) can learn the repercussions of purposefully winding people up, it's not kind and no one will like him. Its a learning curb, maybe sit him down and get him to talk about why he enjoys doing this, but there are people out there who just delight in this behaviour, it's up to him if friends mean more then the gratification he's getting in winding them up. If he can't make up with them, tell him it's a life lesson and moving forward he knows he may loose friends this way. I have 2 sen kids and I have to break down many social interactions and explain the other side, but they sometimes have to learn the hard way too
 
@jolleeroger I do understand as I said, I have 2 myself and they learn differently. It's a point to understand why he is doing it, and support him in changing that behaviour on his level, he has a right to a great life, but if he is loosing friends and can be supported to understand why and help turn that around to help him then that is whats needed.
 
@jolleeroger I'm sorry to hear that, you might think my wording is harsh, but as a mother we have to give any tool we have available to help our children understand, and that is understanding, correcting, and working within their abilities to guide them, at home and outside of this setting. When I also comment on family I say out of being the child who had a sibling eventually in care due to circumstances.
 
Also to add, if he's winding you all up at home and you are not correcting it, you are enabling this behaviour and its going to be harder for him to break that cycle and change that behaviour. Especially if he has siblings it could cause a feeling of bullying that you are not controlling. How to treat people and maintain healthy relationships should start here, worth a look at the family dynamics and how you can correct this
 
@2fullofitsometimes it’s about how it’s dealt with at the time. I can’t deal with this at it arises as it just makes things ten times worse, so have to talk once he’s calmer and not in that frame of mind, which I do.
 
Hunny I’m 35 was diagnosed 1998 it is what it is unfortunately unless your medicated you just have to ride the storm but it gets easier the older you get! I have a husband 2 daughters and amazing friends and family that love me for me!! I do have medication to take the edge off but I am me and I’m happy xx
 
I’m autistic and have ADHD, my kids are also a mix of autistic and ADHDers, it’s hard.
He’ll need to learn not to wind people up on purpose, teach empathy, teach about things like emotional literacy, teach about behaviours that can translate into abuse such as invalidation and being dismissive of others feelings, gaslighting - this needs to be understood so that empathy can be developed that way he will be able to understand more how his actions and behaviours impact others.
Empathy can be taught.
His friends also need to be understanding and accommodating of his needs and how his ADHD affects him, however they don’t have to tolerate poor treatment from him.
ADHD coaching is great if you can afford it. Medication if he isn’t on it already. Activities that give genuine dopamine releases rather than instant gratification.
Communication skills.
If you can get him a neurodiversity inclusive therapist that’ll help too.
 
Is he medicated? I noticed a massive shift in my sons social skills when he started meds.
My brother also has adhd he is nearly 30!
He met friends as he got older down the local pub.
Its so hard and completely understand how you feel.
 
You are describing a boy I used to look after! Undiagnosed but he had behavioural support at school and I did a lot of work with him on hypothetical situations... What behaviour would you choose, why? What do you think the person would feel, how would you feel, why do you think they acted that way etc etc. He never really accepted that he was causing people to act negatively towards him but he did know he was different. He really identified with an autistic character in a book and later, Sheldon from the big bang theory. He said it explained why he was always acting so weird but it helped to know it wasn't his fault. He gained more understanding as he got older, I think because we always talked about how he needed to be aware that his brain made him see things differently to other people. There's nothing wrong with being himself but he had to choose how to respond in certain situations in order to not piss people off. Sometimes he chose to be nice in order to keep his friends, and sometimes he chose to do things his way, knowing that people wouldn't like him for it but he felt he had to.
He has just graduated from uni. He managed to live in Italy and Spain by himself as part of a languages degree so there is hope! He now often says things like "I wanted to do X but I did Y because it would make my friend happy"
 
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