Managing Friendships and ADHD in a Teenager

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pastor4jesus

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**Edit**
Thank you for the replies, really appreciate it. He is medicated but will only take it for school / hopefully college from Sept. Refuses any other time and can’t force him, does help.
Hi, I’m after some advice from others who have older teenagers with ADHD or older children to give me hope!
My 16 year old really struggles with friendships, has done his whole life and I find it totally heartbreaking. He’s so impulsive and so says whatever in the moment. Currently none of his small circle speaking to him because of it and with not going back to school he won’t see them to sort it. He likes to wind people up on purpose, us at home included but I’m his mum and love him so try let it go over our heads but then gets upset when they react to that. He is mentally about 11/12 really.
He’s been worrying since about year 10 he’ll end up with no friends once he leaves school with them all going different places. He just doesn’t see his behaviour pushes people away and so he’s not invited places so the summer hols, unless we have gone away, feel like it’s mainly been spent on Xbox. He won’t go out with me and I just end up with massive mum guilt. (Me and his dad aren’t together)
Please tell me things improve as they get older as I’m struggling to see it. I’m just visualising him ending up most of his life with no friends, doesn’t get to go out and will end up alone in his bedroom forever playing Xbox or something. It’s affecting my mental health in terms of awful anxiety over his future, poor sleep because of it then it makes me tired and grumpy and it’s a viscious circle. Any advice? What are your adhd teens like? Thank you.
 
what supports does he have in place ? medication, counselling, social skills development.... is there someone in your community that could mentor him ? good luck its a hard gig that's for sure 🙂
 
I have an autistic trait son that shows alot of the same things he's also 15 recently I have engaged him in army cadets and he has gained a small circle of friends from there.... Do you have something the same where you live? Maybe get him involved they can also teach him social engagement and how to team build without him even knowing about it and he gets out of the house
 
Team activities, football, cadets, anything to physically tire him and mentally stretch him, teach him to be a team player and aid communication skills. Xx
 
Hiya! So I was diagnosed with autism and ADHD this year, I’m 37. So I am constantly fighting thoughts from both sides 😂
My main problem is social skills. I come across as blunt, rude and like I don’t care. So when I was younger I couldn’t make eye contact either so my mum got me a lot of support, I think it was like a counsellor but who can help me with social situations etc. but it helped and you can’t tell that I’ve had that support. I make eye contact more often then I don’t, I learnt how to act in social situations and my mum has always reiterated these things at home so I learn.
I think what he needs is support from someone who is experienced in ADHD who can help him navigate these things and who he can talk to freely. Sometimes you want to talk to someone but you don’t want to talk to your own parent. Talking to someone you aren’t as close to is better.
You are doing well with supporting him and he will have moments where he will slip backwards. But you are doing an amazing job and don’t let the doubts in your head win!!
 
@palamas I went through the Right To Choose and chose Psychiatry UK as they offer that option. That means that you can get your GP to refer you to them through the NHS so you don’t need to pay privately. They also do private too so you can pay for it. They are an online service so I had video calls with the psychiatrist. From being referred it took 2.5 months to get an autism diagnosis and 5 months for my ADHD diagnosis. The waiting lists are far shorter than if you let your GP refer you to anywhere.
 
This is so difficult because you know he is pushing his friends away, but he isn’t aware that he is. It could be worth making him some visuals showing now saying things makes people not want to spend time with him. But there is also a chance that regardless of the ADHD he hasn’t met his tribe yet. My son is very likeable, but has always struggled to find people he really connects to. Then he became a fire cadet & met a group of like minded people who want to talk fire service all day every day. He’s 18 now & has just left school. He wont stay in touch with anyone from school, but he’s been right with these guys for over a year. Maybe finding people he has more common ground with could help him. Also the cadet programs are really good for people with SEN. They have fire, police & army. They have lots of disciplines, but are also very physical, plus it introduces them to a whole new group of people.
 
My sons 23 with autism. We had a lot of friendship issues until he started university and found his people. He's now working and has joined groups he's interested in where he lives. He's also joined a support group for adults with autism and that has led to support in other areas. 16 is so difficult friendship wise but for us it really did improve with age. At school your stick with same group but when y your older you can choose who to spend time with
 
My nephew is 20 he is autistic and has many of the problems you describe with many others too, he too found it difficult to find friends when he was younger, he was violent, he couldn't stay in a school longer than a few months before they threw him out and I know my sister had the same worries as you, will Harry have a future and what will that look like ? Will he have friends or even a girlfriend?.. fast forward to now our Harry overcame all those problems ( with a lot of help and some medication to control his temper) he has a girlfriend who he travels to go see regularly, on his own may I add , he has a good circle of friends and the biggest part of all is that he is preparing to start his uni course !! He is huge with computers he loves them so that's what he has chosen to do as a career and I may sound big headed but he is absolutely top notch at it, our Harry came right and it's because he had family around him who walked through fire to get him where he is now so yes it is possible for a child who has challenges to get on and have an amazing life and Harry is proof of it xxxx
 
I have diagnosed myself with adhd as an adult. I remember not being able to control what I said and constantly putting my foot in it. He needs friend's that understand. I agree that he needs to join a group like cadets or maybe a drama group as that is a good way channel his adhd traits x
 
Has he himself done any reading about ADHD? If he can understand how his behaviour affects other people, which people with ADHD definitely can, then maybe he could work at trying to reign those impulses in. I know it isn't as simple as just don't do it and it will be challenging but maybe if he understood it he can learn ways to manage it more easily. Or even have some counselling so someone can explain it to him, who isnt his mam. Also he won't be alone forever, he will meet people in his next chapter and he may even meet, "his people" this is what I keep telling my daughter when she leaves school next year she'll meet her people.
 
My 12 year old has autism and ADHD , Struggles with the social side- just wants to play games and talk about games. He's made some online friends through games ( I keep a close eye and we understand internet safety).
Point is - even if it's not always a real life friend he has managed to build friendships and can talk to people through the gaming, rather than discourage the gaming I've learned into it and tried to get him to meet ,speak to others with similar interests.
 
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